Melissa-Frances' Mind and World

Alrighty… I’ve made a decision to get myself away from this crappy situation with Glenn.  And this time i’m determined to follow though so here i am; I need to write a post that i can re-read when i’m struggling against myself.

I need to see ‘what’s great about this’ otherwise i’ll let myself fall back into the old patterns and keep hurting myself.

So what is great about this?

How about the fact that I’m in control of myself. meh.. whatever.

I do feel like i’m making a clearer space around me… i dont really know what that means actually…. but ‘spacious’ and ‘clearer’ is more present than it was.

Maybe it’ll give him a chance to miss me?  nope.. he’d have spent the last 2 years missing me if that was the case.

I can’t deny that the truth keeps staring at me in the face.  There are a million other ways to communicate with me that would work just as well.. if all he wanted to do was be untracable.  Which he hasn’t employed.

and that’s why this is great. because if i was important to him we wouldn’t be here. but we are here.  okay, that’s not feeling so great…. the great bit is that I’m moving on and making room in my life for other things.  Hell, i might even be making space for someone who is willing to make me important.

Sigh

maybe he’ll miss me.

No.  That’s looking backwards and i need to look forward. He’s not going to miss me.  and if he does, it’s not going to be enough to make him change anything anyway.

What’s great about this is that i’m being kind to myself.

Seriously.. it SO is.  I don’t believe there is anything that conquers a person’s spirit and kills off growth and opportunity more than confusion

.. at least with denial you can convince yourself that you’re doing the right thing.. going in the right direction..

.. with depression, you know where you stand.. your head is fucked up and you’re going nowhere..

CONFUSION on the other hand..  for starters, all this backwards and forwards takes SOOOOOO much energy to participate in… and you can’t plan a thing because the cloud of the unknown is all you can see ahead.  Even if you’ve only got two options to be confused about.. when you think about “A” you’ll be hearing your inner voice tell you all about the perks of “B”, and vice versa..

it’s a terrible horrible place to exist in and it does definitely kill off all possibilities of growing forward into new opportunities.

After my EFT workshop in Hobart with Andy and Maxine  (www.simplydivinerelationshiptraining.com/) courtesy of  Mick and Julie (http://www.hiddenprofitsuncovered.com/), not only did I SEE for the first time EVER just how STUCK in this self sabotaging confusion cloud I was… but i was able to SHIFT the bugger enough to make a SOLID decision to follow my own pathway to my dream life (rather than stay in the zombified life that my own confusion had built around me).

Seriously.. it’s no exaggeration! I walked into that 2.5 day workshop not having a clue what i was going for, not knowing what i wanted to change… hell, i didn’t truly believe it was POSSIBLE to change ANY of my “life issues” in one workshop…

But 2.5 days later I was FIRMLY set on moving to queensland, buying a business and making myself a life that I would be EXCITED ABOUT!!

Well, a heap of hurdles and several months later.. HERE I AM!!  I’ve spent my first day in a new home in Burleigh Heads that I’m sharing with an absolutely LOVELY lady and her two daughters… I’m in the process of buying myself a florist shop (still a few hurdles to get over in that particular process) and I AM excited about my life!  It’s the first time that I can EVER recall that I have felt in full control of my own circumstances.  I control if my days are shitty or fabulous.. I control if I make money or spend it all.. I control if I succeed or fail…. because I’M the one driving this bus and choosing the route.

And the most exciting part about it… I’M NOT TOO FUSSED IF I DO FAIL, AS I KNOW I’M HERE BECAUSE OF MY OWN CHOICES.. AND MY MAIN PURPOSE IS FOR ME TO BE DESIGNING MY OWN RIDE!!

As far as I’m concerned, me being here today, sitting at my laptop with the deliciously warm gold cost breeze flowing around me.. In my eyes, I have already succeeded… and THAT is a new feeling!!

Wow… achievement of one’s own goals.. stepping onto one’s own path and making shit happen… it feels like this hey?   Sweeeeeeet!!!!!!!

So my original point to this post was to point out to myself that I am allowing myself to fall victim to the cloud of confusion again and try to write my way through it, but instead I’ve gotten myself to a place of extreme gratitude.

Thank you ME for getting me this far.. you were bloody stubborn and it’s paid off.  WELL DONE CHICK, I’M PROUD OF YOU!!

But I know that there is never a success that isn’t followed instantly by more challenges.  Such is life. And aint it great!!

Righto…
lead up to christmas - was pumped AS for a rocking 2012
christmas/new year break - was depressed as all fuck, struggled with everything and ended up completely isolating myself from my world
New year starts - and i feel completely overwhelmed by what i need to do to get to where i desperately want to be.. I’m allowing my sales fear to overwhelm me to a point where i wanted to do anything as long as it meant i didn’t have to do any sales….

BUT

You can only hide in overwhelm, confusion and avoidance for so long.  I’ve decided to step out of it and take a baby step towards conquering the sales demon.  Hell.. it can’t be as hard as ending my marriage was.  I can face these fears.  I can do this.

SO!!!!!

By COB 31st October 2012: 20 inbound communications systems sold
BECAUSE this will give me the finances and freedom to live anywhere and work when I want to.  I NEED to be financially independant and able to work remotely.

And no, this isn’t a job/business born of my passion.. it’s a means to an end.  But it’s a freakishly profitable one.  Passionate living can come into the equation down the track.

So my little chunk goals.  Purposely REALLY small so that i avoid getting stuck in the numbing/frozen state of overwhelm:

Jan 31st – Make 10 sales calls

Feb 28th – Sell 1 System in Feb

Mar 31st – Sell 2 systems in Mar

April onwards: 3 sales per month

(which actually equals 24 sales, but I’m sure I can cope with over achieving the greater goal)

RIGHT!!

FUCK!!

RIGHT!!

10 sales calls before 31st.  UVP. Script. Design the trial product. A Signup Process.

A product description may help…

eeek! Gulliver help!!!

its just ten calls its just ten calls its just ten calls……

i think there’s something very strange about the fact that i can be as fucked up as i was (as per the below post) and then i’m instantly chirpy just because i saw his playful smile on a video.

surely i shouldn’t be influenced that strongly by something so simple… and so outside of my control.

but hey, whatever works!!

I’m having “one of those days”.

I want the whole world to fuck off. I dont want anyone anywhere near me.
(not a good decision to be writing this at work.. i’m going to be crying by the end of it)

I started off feeling sad. then angry. but knew i had nothing legitimate to be angry about. then i went numb (seemingly due to suppression), so I’ve spent the last couple of hours just WAITING. waiting for the day to be over. waiting for 2.30 so that i can leave work, pick up the kids and go home. waiting until i can just be asleep. feel nothing. do nothing. think nothing. have no expectation of me.

For me, sleep is my version of suicide. i know that seems dumb (well it does to me), but it’s when i get to stop existing. i get to stop feeling numb, inadequate, separate, invaded. everything just gets to stop.

except then i have to get up in the morning. and wait in numbness until i can go back to bed again.

Thank fuck i dont spend all of my days feeling like this.

but when i’m in it, it fucking feels like i do.

Wow. What a powerful, wonderful, amazing, simple and delicious weekend. I’ve been in HAI’s level three workshop “living at choice” and this is MOST definitely my favourite level so far!

So many insights. I’ve achieved a much deeper level of understanding of myself. I feel much more connected to myself, and surprisingly, much less attached to my “stuff”.

During the solo meditation (can’t wait to do that again!!!) I discovered something huge. Something that I feel a bit if shame about… and since my commitment to myself was to not hold back on this blog, that’d what I am choosing to share tonight.

I discovered that I am not afraid to die. In actual fact, I discovered that I am CRAVING death. Not in a suicidal way. Not even in an “end of life” way. What I am craving is the end of the earthly me. To me, death is a release of the limitations that being here is. To die is to become WHOLE again. To be released of earthly bonds and to be…. home. There is no more struggle, no more lack, no more journeying.

Upon seeing and feeling this craving for earthly completion, I felt an overwhelming sadness, and wept.

I cried because I feel that it is such a sad thing that I am here, in this rich and delicious thing that is life, and under the surface I’m craving… almost waiting.. to go home to my wholeness. I’m a little detached from it now, but when I was fully emersed in discovering all this, I was feeling and accepting the cravings, but KNOWING that I have an opportunity to really RELISH life, RELISH being in body (and all the blessings that being in body gives me).

So what does seeing all this change for me?

I’m not sure really. I don’t feel as though I have a renewed ‘zest’ for life, not even a heightened sense of appreciation of life. But I also have no desire to NOT be in life. I guess, underneith a couple more layers, I feel a sense of acceptance. Oooooohhhhhhhhh! that is what has changed in me: I have stepped into my spirituality. My spiritual beliefs are now not just some theory that I feel holds some truth.. I feel I now OWN my spirituality. I’ve fully accepted my spritual truth.

I must admit that I hold a little bit of shame around spirituality. I feel that people will think less of me if I fully embrace my spiritual side… if I live it full out and don’t hide my truths. Which leads nicely into another realisation:

“what you think of me is none of my business”

In fact, not only is it none of my business, but it is not a reflection of me or who I truly am- what you think of me (good, bad or indifferent) is merely a relection of you… What you think of me is merely a reflection of where you have been and where you are now.

Oh, there is something else that has happened for me this weekend: I have become more detached from outcome. More detached from the side effects of the mind (ie: the side effects of your thoughts, beliefs, values.. and MY thoughts, beliefs and values). That’s not to say that I have stopped having all the same thoughts, beliefs and values, but I can now see them more fully, and see that they have their limitations and that I can choose to see them as not real. They are a part of the tapestry that is life, they are fluid, they are consuming, they are useful… But they are NOT what is real. The mind, with all it’s facets (thoughts, perspectives, beliefs etc) are just a part of the game, so the journey that the mind influences is also just a part of the game.

This isn’t coming out right. But the end result is that I now see that there is TRULY no ‘correct’ way to play this game of life. There is only the way that we choose to play. Every outcome is the same: in the end, we are released from life and go back into the wholeness…

So the question I find myself trying to answer is: now that I see life a thing void of correct and incorrect outcomes, what do I truly want to be doing?

Aaaaaand I can already feel my grasp on all this slipping… But I enjoyed the freedom of knowing it while I did.

I sincerely love the HAI experience for the opportunities of discovery it offers.

Goodnight all!

“I’m noticing that when I’m not loving me I have a strong desire to put myself into places where I am forcing myself to achieve, I have a desire to force myself to do more, to get more, to BE SO MUCH “MORE” than what i feel i currently am or have. But when the sun does shine through the clouds, and i feel a happiness with who i am, i am also appreciative of where I am and what I have… and when i am in this place, what i want is to create, rather than achieve or accumulate” Melissa, October 2011

Is this my natural state of being? My awakened state of being?

If i were to stay in this place, I believe that I would possess a greater feeling of satisfaction throughout my days. When I am in my desire to strive, I am reinforcing a belief that what I am and what I have always been up until now, is not enough… When i am striving, i am in a place of lack.

But I am enough. I am a unique and beautiful human being. I need not be any more or less than what and who I am in this very moment.

I want to cultivate this feeling. I want to feel the sun shine through the clouds more often… I want to feel that warm glow of peace and satisfaction…. Haha, there I go “wanting” more again.

What do I desire to EXPERIENCE in my time on this planet?
For now, I desire to feel peace, satisfaction, happiness, beauty.
I want to spend time with people who make me smile, people who emanate calmness and love and satisfaction.

To follow an entrepreneurial path is to strive, plan, desire more… Which would be fine for me, if i was coming to it from a place of satisfaction… And that is definitely not been where i have been coming from.

And look, I may be sitting amongst my self-sabotage and be too far in it to know… But it ry tranquil for a place of self-sabotage.

I have a desire to be with people… And realising that makes me want to cry… Its been such a long time since ive wanted to be truly amongst people… I feel like me.

I have a desire to create..

I have a desire to sit inside my own tranquility, amongst a setting of beauty, to share love and laughter and discoveries.. And to create something of beauty that stirs the emotions of those who share it with me.

Today I feel the calm satisfaction of letting go… Today i feel lighter and more loving… Today i feel more free and more me. I feel like i have reconnected with the beautiful me which has been weighed down by my negative me for much too long.

And there are only two question which i now ponder…
What do i want to create?
What do i want to be experiencing?

Righto… So you could say Im having a bit of an angry day. I was feeling quite frustrated and impatient first thing this morning, so I shifted that with a quick run.
But Im noticing that Im reacting quite angrily to the triggers that Ive encountered today, and Im also feeling quite defensive and crowded… There’s been a couple of times when I just wated to yell ‘get the fuck out of my face’… Even though the people around me are just doing their normal stuff.

Pin-pointing it… I realise that i feel like others are wanting me to be doing stuff that I dont want to do.. and im feeling.. not pushed, but… invaded.

I dont want to ‘get over’ glenn, it would be good to let go off the attachment to outcome and just be in the current moment.. But if i wanted to just get over him i would be fucking over him already.
I dont want to just get in and do something for the sake of doing something, otherwise i would be doing some random shit already!!!

I dont like feeling the disempowerment from hearing their comments, and i dont like feeling less or broken for not choosing for myself what someone else’s standards and beliefs make them think i should be doing.

And i dont want their good intentions, keep them to yourselves people!

Im on my own journey, learning my own stuff and doing it the way I WANT… I may not always be the happiest person in the world, but im sorting through the shit i need to sort through to get to where i want to be.

Im living my life exactly how i want to – on my own terms- and i know i really fucking struggle most days… and im cool with that! Because even on the days when im struggling so much that i just want to cease existing… I know that i am struggling through the circumstances of my own choosing… Even on these shittiest of days, i wouldnt choose to rewind and i would definitely not choose to have any of those things that i have walked away from.

Im satisfied with my path and my choices, this is my life, i feel it’s not anyone else’s place to pass (or express) judgement on it… So how do i express this and hold my boundaries so that i dont allow anyone elses thoughts, words or actions to trigger those feelings of disempowerment and less-ness in me?

I currently disconnect from them, shut them out… Or apparently, just bluntly tell them to leave!!

Mind you, first i should look at finding a desire to connect with them when/after i feel this “space invasion”.. because my first reaction is to loose my desire to be in connection with them.

And like i need any more of an incentive to disconnect from everyone in my world!!! Living in disconnect is my speciality. Ah! That be why i have such a strong desire to “have” my alpha-male with mushy insides… So that i can feel that romanticised “unbreakable” connection. Hmmm.. Good to know.

Well, that’s what I reckon anyway (hah! in this moment and from this perspective anywho).

I’m in a fucking GORGEOUS mood this morning!!

.. granted !… it is particularly due to an excess of submergence to the fantasy land where I can have conversations with the gorgeous-est guy on the planet.. (yep freak-alert!)

..but I’m also buoyed by the fact that I woke up with a business idea on the brain (which I preceded to  put to paper on my “all-entrepreneurs-must-have” butchers paper) and then *ASTOUNDINGLY* got up and ran around the block a couple of times (DONT FALL OFF YOUR CHAIRS!!).. also helped by the max volume spice girls I had blaring while i was in the shower.. WHICH btw, I’ll completely deny if ever confronted about.. I’ll also deny the atrocious sing-a-long that went with it.

Ahhh.. so where did this spike in physical activity come from? Well this happened last night when i got home from dropping the girls off at Ma and Pa’s place:     (this is the newest excerpt from the self appreciation page)

Exercise in self appreciation number 2… go for a run around the fucking block!! My body is worth it, the endorphins are worth it, the discomfort of running is WORTH IT!!

I stumbled into this one… kinda… I had a conversation with one of my netball teammate’s fathers.. oooohhhhhh 16 years ago… he told me i should just go for a run around the block each night… better late than never I say! hahahahah (it’s funny… this was the only conversation i’ve ever had with the man, and it’s stuck with this long… raising it’s head every time i think of doing some physical activity… but it hit me where it hurt, i just wasn’t ready to listen until i hit like 31&1/6th years old).
To be fair and to give credit where credit is due (albeit grudgingly ha!) This was also triggered by Dyon’s statement from the other week that running is better than therapy, and I’m, we both admit, beyond therapy anyway.. add in a dash of ‘health first’ from the overly sentimental posting from Mister Glenn… and i had to go for a run just to shut up all the fuckers in my head!! Bloody manipulative mind gamers and their good intentions hehehehehe

one block lap and 4 and a half minutes later.. throat aching from shitty breath control I walk in my front door and I feel FUCKING AWESOME for ACTUALLY DOING IT!!!
So… last night, after I’d done this, I set myself  a mini, short-term, achieveble but stretchy AIM

(i have developed a pathological hatred of the word goal.. so it’s an aim, not a goal)

2 Weeks – that’s only 14 days

Morning & Night activity (unless i do the day’s quote all in one go)

4 laps of my block per day, culminating in a day 14 5-lap non-stop run… which will be about 20-25 minute go.

AWESOME!!!

Awesome, not only because it’ll prove to me that I CAN take consistent action, and achieve a goal.. sorry, aim… but because it’s SO do-able!!

If I could make myself try to run for 25 minutes today… and I could, quite probably, achieve it… BUT it would hurt so fucking much that I wouldn’t go for another run for AGES.. not helful!!

so I’m pumped about achieving the aim, and pumped about how much happy juice i’ve got running through me from this morning’s laps.

I’m in fabulous me right now.  WOOHOO!!!

And further to the previous post, its time to stand up on my own two feet. I’m blessed to have a best friend in damian, who I know will love me even when I despise myself, and who I have to turn to when I need to release a whole lot of my stuff (I’m also blessed that he taught me how to do that!! Vocally releasing stuff is a new skill for me)

But it seems our paths are floating apart. I feel that he is strong into himself, and finally stepping into his purpose. From the sounds of his last email though, his purpose is calling him to a place that does not call to me. I can truly rejoice in knowing that he is shedding the restraints that he and his life have build around him, but at the same time feel a sadness that he is on a path that I don’t wish to follow.

Which leaves me with no option but to stand on my own two feet. Something that is so much all rolled into one: fear, relief, resistance, excitement… Fear.

The sustainable living community idea is not a sustainable one if it is a project without damian.. Which leaves me back at square one: what can I do to get myself out of tassie, what am I going to do to enable and create my fresh start?

With 13 weeks of my year having to be spent in tas during the school term, buying a traditional bricks and mortar business is not really a viable model, unless I go into business with someone else who can man it while I’m out of town…not my preferred option (although that’s because of my bellied that I am unreliable and unable to make a success of anything, and I don’t want to pull anyone down.. So perhaps if that bellied changed, so too would the complete NO to the question of having a business partner).

I don’t know what the answer to this is, perhaps in the interim I could try for a couple of casual jobs that would allow me the time off.. But I suspect that if that is the case then I wouldn’t have a lot of job security. I’m going to have to ponder on this for a while…